Diet Of Absurdities: The Arsenic Diet

While looking into ways to get into bikini ready shape this writer was looking for the simplest, most lazy way to cut the few extra pounds that colder seasons have a habit of packing on.

In the realm of “this is too good to be true!” this writer has come across the simple and effective Arsenic Diet. While, dear reader, I know that you may be skeptical of the ability of a substance best used for the offing of household pets and wealthy relatives at helping to shift those last few pounds do hear me out.

The Arsenic Diet recommends taking the substance in small amounts each day until the desired weight is reached. The diet’s proponents say that the metal speeds up metabolism, clears complexion, and increases libido. If you are skeptical just think of the increased heart rate whatever relative was most recently bumped off experienced right before death. Imagine maintaining that heart rate for a prolonged time by using smaller, less lethal doses! Think also of the sweating that occurs right before death. Drawn out over several days this leads to a great loss of water weight and an even thinner waistline and firmer breasts!

While the diet does have a few downsides, including risk of cancer, death, disability, death, mental breakdown, and death certainly its beauty benefits far out way any risks that might arise.

Well, this writer wishes you all, dear readers, to enjoy your time on the beaches, the lovely sunshine, and to know that if this writer does not return at the end of the summer she is certainly enjoying her best life, living happily on a beach with pale skin and the slimmest of waists.

Please know that this post, as with all of the posts about diet fads, are meant to be humorous and are IN NO WAY an endorsement of any of the weight loss methods listed. Please, please do not try any of these. And if you do and you are injured by them then don’t come to me because really let’s be honest you believed a placard from the 1800s.